By Pastor Audrey Carmona
We were two years into our marriage when Chris and I decided to start a family. We were ready and eager to become parents. I was pregnant within 3 months and I began to plan and dream up our perfect little life. Well, this was the 1st of 8 pregnancies I had throughout our marriage.
The dream is a whole lot easier to dream than to actually live. Dreams are filled with possibilities we plan for, we measure, and make happen. But what happens when your dreams usher you into living a nightmare? Hard times that have us questioning our decisions, our path, and belief? “God, what did I do wrong?” “What did I do to deserve this?” It’s funny, the questions you ask when you’re lost or seasick of life’s ups and downs. I thought I was living a consequence brought on by my own desires. “Did you not like that, God, and is this you just punishing me?”
I lived so scared of what my actions might yield, so paralyzed in fear I became idle. It wasn’t until my 3rd miscarriage where I started to understand that God was leading me somewhere deep with Him. You see, I had a rare pregnancy. It was basically a phantom pregnancy. My body was tricked into thinking it was having a baby, my hCG levels were increasing, and my body was responding to this pregnancy hormone, but the only thing growing in my womb was cells — no life. I mean, talk about deceit. My body was running its own sham on me! “Why, God?” Honestly, that question was never answered. But what I uncovered through that experience was another facet of God I never knew.
Our pain enables us to tap into God’s unfathomable love, comfort, healing, and restoration. Here’s a picture…imagine God is a buffet of exactly what you need and you could feast on those things until you have your fill — all of your best foods prepared right before you and the beautiful thing is that you’re with the best company.
God puts desires in our hearts, we dream about those desires, and they are often conceived through our lens of perfect. Our perfect. The perfect house, marriage, children, career etc…Our dreams push us to live in more, but don’t forget God promises to be with us, to teach us valuable lessons, and sustain us in pursuit of those dreams. Let’s not get so precious about our perfect that we forget that He is the perfector. Every moment that our life hits an imperfect bump in the road, He is pulling us closer and closer to Him. When we place “our perfect” as a filter, we live a fragile promise — we suffocate dreams because we’re afraid. No. Be courageous, go ahead, just BE with God as you go. When we live with “displaced perfect” we have a fragile purpose. In other words, we doubt, we fear, and we withhold from exploring how we contribute. Do not fear. Be courageous, God will brace you for impact, He will cover you with His love, and He is perfecting the GOOD work in you. So go.
I remember feeling like a science experiment during that time in the hospital. Needles, ultrasounds, questions…physical pain. I was so confused and disillusioned and I felt myself falling into a pit. As I was on my way down to an internal free fall, I felt God pull me in. I let him in and He took me by the hand and guided me back to myself. I went through it but He took me all the way. The one thing I could say in finishing here is this: commit to all of those dreams, desires, plans, and your purpose, but before you do, submit them to God. He will lead you IN and THROUGH because His perfect plan is right where you want to be. It’s safe, it’s beneficial, and it’s a beautiful ride. Our imperfect leads us to deeper places with Him.
Are you living a nightmare at the moment? Are you ready to bring God close? He can make sense of this season…all you have to do is pray and invite God into your circumstances. Life moves at the speed of your relationships. We have people here that would live to sit, connect, and pray with you. It’s all possible.